Life is funny. I find myself living a life I never imagined for myself. I grew up with the fantasy of being married. Having children. Dinners with all of us home, laughing around the dinner table. Date nights and shared parenting. Coming home from work and having my person to tell about my day, to take his share of the cooking and house maintance. Going to bed at night secure in with the person next to me.
My reality is that life has gone in a different direction. I have the house and the kids but the partner wasn’t the dream or even healthy so I’m adulting and parenting as a Single Mom. How I got here is for another day. The trauma I’m healing from is real and something I work through on a daily basis. “One healthy parent is all kids need to be healthy” is a mantra my therapist told me and it keeps me working to be a better me.
You learn to take you coffee black
You learn to drink your whisky neat
You learn to take the shower cold
And sleep on tired feetYou learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
I was driving to my oldest’s track meet and running through my Spotify playlist. I’m a sucker for Idina Menzel and chose the “If/Then” Soundtrack and when I got to “Learn to Live Without” the tears started flowing.
Whether you are a single mom because of divorce or from loss, this song will make you feel seen. Without your partner, you need to figure out how to live a new life. You learn to live without.
You tell yourself you’re rich at last in money and in time
You draw a bath and then unplug the phone
You pour yourself a Pinot Clos du Val 2003
You sit a spell, a queen upon her throne
You go to bed alone
Leaving an unhealthy relationship wasn’t my first choice. However, I’ve found joy in taking care of myself (cue Miley Cyrus Flowers). I find ways to reconnect with who I was before, who I am now, and who I want to be. But I go to bed alone.
You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locksYou learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to stop and breathe and smile
When I was a teenager, my sisters and I used to grab an object that could be used as a weapon when we were home alone and heard a noise. I find myself doing that now. I double and triple check locks and windows. Even when I’m on the brink of exhaustion, I finish the dishes, make lunches for the next day, and try to make sense of the chaos of a house lived in by a 3 and 5 year old. I’ve learned how to shut the house down by myself. When asked how I’m doing, all I want to do is shout that this isn’t fair. This isn’t what I signed up for, not for me or for my kids. But that’s not what people want to hear. So I smile and tell them I’m finding a new normal. This isn’t a lie but it is hard work. Every. Day.
You find the coat and tie you thought you’d given to good will
You toss his favourite shoes onto the pile
You see him in the faces of the boys he left behind
And die a bit with every tiny smile
But only for a while
It’s been 3 1/2 years and I am still finding his things around the house. I get rid of them with a bittersweet smile now, not the pure heartache that I once felt. I want to share with him the little things the kids do and say. At least once a week I need to resist the urge to send him a text to celebrate or commiserate about the kiddos. Their daily quirks that put a smile on my face and make me so thankful that I get to experience and witness their life. My heart breaks a little each time we do a parenting exchange or when their dad picks them up from school and I don’t get to see and hug them goodnight. Life doesn’t afford me too much time to wallow in the pain and grief. The house still needs to be swept/vaccuumed/dusted. Those dishes are still in the sink…
You learn to count the quiet winds
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into yearsYou learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn to somehow to like the dark
And you even love the doubtYou learn to hold your life inside you
And never let it out
You learn to live and die and then to live
Three years since the separation and divorce have flown by and yet there are days when I think I’ve lived 3 lifetimes in those years. I walk through the world more confident in myself than I’ve been in 17 years. I know my struggles are mine to work through and mine to fix. I am no longer seeking approval or validation from another adult. I’m learning to be accountable to myself, to make sure my inner voice is kind to me, and that the only ones I need to show up for is myself and my kids.
I’ve found strength through my struggles and pain and grief.
There are still days when I want the warmth of someone next to me. When I long for a shoulder to lean on and a partner to walk with me through this crazy world. For now, I’m that person to myself.
I’ve learned to live without…..